Posts tagged #Lonely

words on loneliness from "the city sage."

6a00e55225716d8833019b0020220f970d-800wi-1 I've never quite been able to express the kind of loneliness that sometimes grips me, and I recently stumbled on these words by Anne Sage on her blog "The City Sage." She says:

"I've alway struggled with loneliness. I don't mean a 'call up a few friends to chase the blues away' loneliness. I mean a profound sense of isolation that confines me to my bed; that wracks me with sobs sent from the pit of my gut to consume me from the inside out; that finds me in a crowded room deaf to everything but my echoing thoughts. It's a self-absorbed, self-induced, self-perpetuated sort of loneliness—because the heavier it grows, the harder it gets for me to push it off and do something about it.          

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"The thing is, I'm tired of trying to do something about it. Tired of showing up at therapy. Tired of risking the whim of fairweather friends. And man alive, am I tired of reading the books. The ones that suggest I never learned to express my emotions or set boundaries in order to feel heard. The ones that claim we are all essentially alone and the sooner we accept that the sooner we'll find peace. The ones that tell me to stay in the now, practice gratitude, feel my feelings. I'm tired of circling endlessly in my own head. 

"One book, however, has pushed me out of my head and onto paper—a small distance, granted, but a step forward nonetheless. Writing Down Your Soul teaches an approach to journaling that draws out the frightening, audacious things you've been keeping even from yourself. It forces you to ask difficult questions such as 'What am I hiding?' and 'What do I truly want?' It leaves you staring at a page on which you've just written the words, 'I want someone to love me enough to come find me, no matter how hard I hide.'"

Do you ever feel like this? I know I have many people that I have deep, meaningful relationships with, I know I am not going at this alone, and even still I get gripped with this yucky, heavy feeling sometimes. What do you think?

[Pictures from The City Sage].

placate (v).

d1c8d1310bb90ab571ba5386d271b581I have never been good at being alone. Even when I think I'm alone, I have realized that it is a false alone, busying myself with a task or filling up the quiet with some music or ticking through a to-do list in my head. There is a ridiculous panic that sets in too, when I think that I have strategically planned my day to be full, with no time to think even for a minute that I could be alone and lonely, but there is a glitch in the schedule, and here I am, just, Me. I thought I was getting better. I took a trip to Spain to learn about being alone. And then I gathered friends and the most beautiful hearts for my walk. I would walk the days alone, but I wasn't really alone, I could slow my pace and wait for someone behind to keep me company, and I secretly hoped someone would catch up. I spent time in cities by myself, and thought I'd be fine when I got home. But that was travel. It wasn't the ordinary. And there have already been a few times of engulfing fear and sadness when there isn't someone to sit with, walk with, talk with.

Why the panic? Why the angst and sorrow in such a short period of time? Will I not gather for breakfast in the morning, or could I not call my mother? Or, better yet, can I not accept myself as good enough company, let my hands be idle, let my world be quiet?