decide.

I've been working hard lately. Really hard. I've been sweeping and cleaning up my life, trying to whip this body into a little less shapely and into a little more shape, change the self-talk from negative to kind [proving to be incredibly difficult, a very hard ship to turn around], write more, write worse, just write, write anything, write about the weather and what I ate yesterday [I've spared you all the details], recognize and state all of the abundance in my life, recognize and state all of the successes [harder than the former]. I've been working with a life coach and practicing yoga. I've been buying spinach and eating flax toast. And I don't feel good at any of it. At yoga I feel lumpy and ungraceful and stiff, while all of these pretzel-people are open-lotus-ing and standing on their heads (literally, I looked over and this girl was just standing on her head). I've been trying to write anyway, and everything feels dry and cliche, too cutesy, to heavy, too vacant. I don't like feeling incapable. I don't like feeling really out of my league. Is that not the norm with all of us? When we feel uncomfortable, we remove ourselves. When we feel like we can't, we don't. So when I've sat with my guitar and it feels foreign in my hands and I can't translate the song in my head to the strings and onto the paper, I put it down, pack it away. When I can't get through two sentences on Word before erasing it all, I press Do Not Save and Exit. When I feel like everyone would say no if I ask to play, try to organize something, I don't ask.

The habit I'm trying to get into, and what is causing all of the discomfort, is to push through this stage of the swamp. To do it anyway. To show up and lace up and give it a go. And I am feeling every ounce of myself rejecting it all. But I am trying to turn off the tape of comparisons and pressures and rejections and doubt.

Do we not all have that thing in us that we think of and have a resounding "yes" in our hearts? Do we not have that thing that breathes life into us, ignites us, the thing that we would throw ourselves over a cliff, give up solid pay or consistent schedules or secure jobs in pursuit of? I believe, and that is what has helped me truck through this strange period, that we all have a responsibility to carry out the things that make us feel alive. And because I accept that as truth, I have to believe that I have been given this passion to write and sing and share. Even when it feels small. Even when I feel like I have nothing of richness to give. I am deciding to honor the dreams. I am deciding to treat myself like I'm worth it.

Decide to do it anyway. Decide to give yourself a chance and try. Decide to shine.

 

Posted on October 22, 2011 and filed under from jess-.