choice and fate.

ALL OF THIS ARGUING BETWEEN CHOICE AND FATE - but do we really have a say? We make decisions, yes [between sushi and pasta, between the ballet or the movies, between working longer or taking time off, between telling the truth or lying, our attitudes; I will choose to be positive, I will see the gift in this, I will walk the narrower road]. But. Are our decisions already decided? I walk to work and I feel lonely. I take the same road I always do, but what if tomorrow I walk a different road? Who would I see? What would I observe, and by observing, learn, and by learning, change, and by changing, grow? I walk to work and I feel lonely. I don't think about the direction I am going and then, because I left when I did and not a moment sooner or later, I am stopped at the same corner as a dear friend. And our exchange is more or less insignificant though be it a welcomed surprise, our conversation just a quick hello, or our exchange is the brightest part of my day or the most significant part of it and the words are so memorable, they keep ringing in my ear. How are we to know where these moments are? We make these small decisions [CHOICE] that seem so irrelevant and so simple, and then somehow these vast, crazy things happen [FATE] as a result of these small, irrelevant decisions. Because the boys chose to live on Landsdowne and St. Clair, I take the bus, and because I take the bus and decided to leave at 9:43 I was waiting for eleven minutes and because I was waiting for eleven minutes, Rita decided to talk to me, and she talked about roots and winter and the growth of trees and it was exactly what I needed to hear, it kept me going, I wrote it down. She got off the bus and I watched her walk away and I wondered if she was some sort of angel or something - it was just too much of a fit, too much of a divine appointment. SO what if Allan had come to practice and drove me home so I wouldn't have taken the bus but he didn't come and I did take that bus and I met Rita. My point is, was I meant to? Or did I just get to?

And around every single corner, with every choice, there is consequence. But we are just walking or eating here and not there and running late or being on time and picking up the phone or putting off the call and saving for a plane ticket and going, or saving for a plane ticket and not going and buying boots instead that will initiate a conversation with a stranger that could become your new best friend.

No, I do not think that there is a right answer and barely ever a flat-out wrong decision. How we strive and recover shapes us and keeps us moving and shifting and learning, more and more, how to relate to each other. We cannot hesitate too long We need not hesitate too long on where to go or not to go, what to say or hold back, because LIFE. Life is happening so very fast around us, recovering and adjusting to the promises made and kept, the promises made and broken, the careless actions of others [our own careless responses], to our getting caught up in the routine and to our saying "yes" to the unknown, to the meticulous planning and mapping out of the Pauser and to the reckless abandon of the Jumper. All that we can do is simply trust those moments of unexplainable certainty that our hearts have and take whatever comes next as a result.

I guess I look at it like being on a freeway, and with each potential off ramp you could take you get a little window of what it would be like [because doesn't every decision come with shiny pamphlets with catchy phrases and convincing descriptions of what lies head], but then in the backseat of my car there is a map without continents or streets or borders, just a destination, and I can't help but think that somehow, regardless of which way I turn, I'm going to get there anyways. So yes, I could choose to turn off of this road. But there is this sneaky suspicion that suggests that I have already chosen which way I am going to go, that while I could turn, I know I'm not going to, and if I did, I can't help but think that the off ramp would somehow lead back here, just from a different angle, a different approach. So yes there is choice, something has been chosen, but all of this has led me to believe that it is not me doing the choosing.

Posted on May 26, 2010 and filed under writing-.