The last few weeks have been. [wordswordswords. somanywords. which one to use.] My heart has felt like some sort of factory, a depot or something else with conveyor belts and trucks coming in and out, rolling over me in the meantime, and lots of bustle, I can't keep up [move those there- keep that- throw that thought out, it no longer applies- where did I put that Truth- where did I file away that "life's to-do list- where should I go, what should I do- work harder- go there- don't do that]. It's been a few weeks at the pinnacle of self-discovery- more accurately, complete self-unknownness- a month full of asking uncomfortable questions for which I have come up with very few answers [ah. but we are getting there]. The few conclusions that I feel like I've come to are not new lessons [damn], and I think there is a little bit of a... [again trying to find the right word] let down? when you realize that you forgot so thoroughly that you have to learn it again. OH IF I COULD TATTOO SOME THINGS TO MY FOREHEAD, WOULD I EVER.... It's not what I thought it would be- instead of figuring out what I want, I've put more things on the list of things I know I don't want, I won't settle for; instead of coming to a huge point of realization I have been reminded of the significance of being in a place of unknown. I am learning the lesson in a very unpleasant way just how thoroughly this is not about what we do and our accomplishments and that wall in the basement with papers that is supposed to dictate who we are and how much money we can make- this is about recognizing, admitting, submitting, letting go of the tight grasp as if we hold the controls to this crazy life, and steppng over to the field as a child with nothing in our hands [what do we have that we get to keep anyways, really]. I am a child, I get it I'm starting to get it. I am a child with complete and utter dependence on a father that takes incredible delight in surprising me with a crazier [more uncomfortable] adventure than I could ever write for myself. And through it all the soft, comforting anthem is back: You are always yourself. You are always becoming you, adding to you, unfolding more and more into you.
I was over at Matt and Tom's on Wednesday, and after expressing my usualihatethistheremustbemore sob story, Tom, in his usual cut-the-crap way with words, told me to "calm the [exploitative delete] down, life is not a series of steps you climb [since when have I wanted to act in a way that suggests that I want to climb any kind of worldly latter anyways?] it comes in the usual mountain/valley model, and right now, you're in a valley, and don't worry, there are about a million more that you're going to be in. We need to stop living out of the expectation that these far off "elder" people have for us that we're on the verge of something AMAZING, that if we could just climb a little higher, reach a little farther, we really will have arrived. You need to just "be" and you'll figure out where and when you need to go. And until then, you have to make room for everything to be a victory, and to take joy in all of it."[wow. thanks, Tom].
I guess we just have to throw our hands up at all we don't understand and celebrate all that we have become despite it all.
I was at "The Roastery Coffee House" yesterday [really disappointing coffee but great location, vibe and atmosphere, I will give it another shot in favor of their atmosphere and next time order a chai latte, it's hard to get those wrong], and I decided to "celebrate my small victories," so here's the list. Feel free to peace out at this point, it was just a good exercise to show myself that there is greatness in even the quietest of days- and even now, the sun is peaking through the Toronto skyline, I'm pouring a second cup of coffee, I got to make breakfast, I have a new sweater to wear today and vintage pumps I got on sale for $8 yesterday. Today will have victories, it already does.
time for a coffee in the morning good hair days scarves I am able to buy groceries [I have groceries in the fridge that bode great optimism for healthier eating this week] sunny days. smiles from strangers being near the water drinks with Wopo Poetry. Always. Reading more now that I take public transit everywhere surprise visits from friends MUSIC I am so rich to have the people I do when a great song comes on the radio journalling getting off work early [it's like Christmas] I have a job. Getting the bathroom clean finishing a to-do list when the girls clean the apartment (what a gift) candles. summers up at MW- my girls. lemonade. sunglasses. mugs a great dress being surprised at how long a conversation went on for LETTERS. talking to mom days off DANCING. sitting quietly with someone [sans awkwardness in silence] painting feeling safe summer talking with kids getting flowers on Tuesday's sitting at the dinner table for hours shopping at markets juice- yum. dessert- YUM. board game marathons [I usually yell] LAUGHTER. card stores reading blogs taking pictures reading old journals- look how far we've come playing shows SISTERS. home decor magazines- guilty pleasure. Along with Justin Timberlake. ice skating. coffee dates out for lunch having people over for breakfast cheering payday concerts travelling FAMILY knowing. kismet. moments when you are so fully aware that you are alive.
"She took in the textured richness and breadth of each day's fullness and delighted in her most trusted friendships. She took great care of her body and mind and carved out a space in this life consistent with her most heartfelt values and visions. She was complete unto herself, and yet she had room in her heart that she wanted to share with an other of great significance." -Ali, thekissinglessons.blogspot.com
[a morning in Verona. This was a good day that started off with dancing].