a long road to thursday [final thoughts before leaving for Europe, January 2009]

It's a funny life I lead.

I think it's safe to say that my life looks pretty uncomfortable all the time. If I'm not sticking my foot in my mouth or blanking out in the middle of telling a story, my plans are constantly changing (or more accurately intercepted and flipped upside down into the most improbable outcomes and destinations).

The last two years have been humbling, first not being able to tell you what I was planning on doing with the near or far future, what would fill my time, not being able to offer up a five year, one year, even at times a one month, plan, and then at times not even being able to hold up the silly things we use as validation like a job at Starbucks while I'm in between or mad guitar skills or even a throw back hidden talent to show off every once in a while if the conversation was really going sour.

It's taken time. And I think more time than maybe necessary simply because I gave value to the things above as accreditation and wasn't buying in to the Truth that life is a process, that it's all a dance and that we are Light and there are beautiful things everywhere, in every day that we are given, beautiful things all the time, and I was in such a hurry to add up days to get somewhere without thinking about what brought color. I got caught up for a while that I had to get it figured out, that I was behind and should've had it figured out a long time ago, a mission statement for the rest of eternity, like everyone, or that other guy, or that at least someone, had it figured out and was all put together and it was wrapped nicely with wrapping paper and yarn and a witty card that matched the paper AND their outfit [impressive].

It's not that I haven't known [the secret. you don't have to keep it anymore]. Somewhere it just got messed up and forgotten for just a little while along the way that it wasn't good enough, complete enough, glamorous enough. That it wouldn't look good to a potential father-in-law or at a ten year reunion or something. It never crossed my mind for long that I could do what I love and let that be my mission, regardless of where a pay cheque may [or may not?] be coming from. It's silly really, that this took me so long to realize. I just really Love people, and I want to play them music [I hope you like it but if you don't that's okay with me too], and rub their backs and play with their hair and tell them I like their outfits when I do and hold them when they're crying and laugh when they make me laugh and tell them that it's going to be alright [it'll be alright, I know it, I promise] and buy them flowers when I can afford it and write letters and cut out articles that make me think of them. I want to ask questions that make people think bigger and feel into corners of their souls and Love them enough that maybe they remember me [but a lot of people are bad at names anyways so that'd be fine if they forget. sometimes I forget.]. I want to meet people where they are and not make people have to look very far to find me. I want to learn more about what it means to be a good friend [slowly I am finding]. Jobs are important because of the economy and teaching us good skills and making resumes and giving us things to do in the day, but these things are, I believe, my function, and sewed into me somewhere. And transferable, regardless of what I'm doing, and I really had to have all of that cemented on the opposite side of my forehead for some reason before I could start learning more things, like what jobs I will have on a more long term timeline.

I've had lonely days. And that's not to say that I'm alone. I have, I think, the greatest team behind me someone could ask for. I have a life filled with hours at dinner tables and skype calls and coffee dates and people cheering me on, telling me, "you're okay, and you're not that crazy." I just don't know a lot of people going this way, taking this approach. It's been a bold approach in which I am often feeling timid, I often feel afraid, I often am pleading, "can't I just learn all this crap the normal way?" I am learning that steps, just walking [sometimes I crawl. sometimes I twirl. Sometimes- rarely- I lunge, just to keep things interesting and my butt looking good], gets you places. Isn't there an Indiana Jones quote.. "step and the bridge will appear" or something? I'm having a very faint grade eight morning devotions flashback, Mrs. Forrest's room, I think Reo Jerome talked about it...? Anyone...? I think there's Truth in that. I am afraid of failing, of looking like an idiot. Of putting on clothes that don't fit if you know what I mean. I'm afraid of getting it wrong and backtracking, so much so that often I don't seek things, claim things with my heart, recklessly enough to find out if I'd be right. I am learning about the beauty of trying.

I'm feeling sentimental, so go with it. I feel like there's an opportunity for a toast or a tip of a hat [except I don't wear hats with brims that are so great for hat tipping], those that have been on the receiving end of skype calls, coffee dates, late nights on my couch, silent walks near lakes and trees and tall mountains, waiting out my audible thinking, my incoherent brain maps of trying to get a grasp on all of it [is this an oscar acceptance speech?]. With only having a week to wrap up work and pack up my life in so many ways and see as many people as possible, I can't help but reflect on where I've been and who I Love, and there are many to name, and many that I Love and would forget to name, which would be awkward. I am feeling this grand nostalgia, like I want to introduce all of the ones I Love the most to everyone else, and tell you how much I Love you and how much color you bring to my life. I had this moment at Christmas where I realized how much we all have the power to shift each other's lives, how someone enters your life and it is different, that there is a shift, even in the slightest way, and if you think back to the day before you met them, and you had no idea about the inside jokes and concerts attended and companionship and lessons and oceans waded and days kept afloat and the expression they'd have on your life. Our presence and our time given and Grace and Patience are powerful things to give. YOU have been powerful in this process for me. I'll take this stage to attempt to express the depth and height of my gratitude.

Off I go in three [three? there is laundry and folding and more laundry and more packing to be done] days to foreign lands and strange dialects and HISTORY and more people crashing into each other and hostels and train passes and the unknown. I'm scared [don't tell] and I feel like something's changing for me, I feel like I'm about to experience some sort of greatness that comes with patience and saying "yes. I'll risk for this anyways."

Posted on December 25, 2009 and filed under from jess-.