a summary of current tuesdays.

[excerpt from January 17, 2008]
I feel restless, like winter. And I don't like that I consistently feel the need to wear socks. And I'm in this washing machine of feelings, although it is comforting to know I still can feel, excited, burdened, dying, patient, worrying, praying, bleeding, seeking, for the unknown, which only folds more vastness in front of me. I don't like that I could go anywhere and have no idea where to go, and I curse myself for being too scared to just jump into it.

And I'm remembering. I'm remembering what it felt like to have some one matter to me, and I felt myself matter to them, so much so that when I stopped mattering to them in that way, I felt it, mourned over it, stayed in the wake of it, maybe for too long. Recalling that I was in the right, maybe not in the middle, not in the end, but somewhere, I was transparent enough to be seen, and that was good. And I will do it again, I will feel it all over, but hopefully I'll worry less and surrender more.

I don't feel like an artist. I don't feel like a musician or a poet or a performer or a writer or a friend, which makes me feel like I'm not doing my job.

It's a fragile state, choosing to search for even a shadow of greatness, only feeling like I'm getting it wrong, and trying to shut out the possible conclusion that, hell, I might never get there.

And we are so fragile, And our cracking bones make noise, And we are just, Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Posted on December 25, 2009 and filed under from jess-.