Posts tagged #brave

the word project recap part four: fear // courage.

88a231100a7b90cf1e347372c6337875What I am hungry for is to be wild and free, courageous and bold, and I get so scared of all that is included in seeking that kind of living that I want so badly to just stay home. Here's how that plays out: excavate (v). "What courage to bring shovel to earth and break ground, to commit to the dust and clay, to lay in the dirt for decades in hopes of recovering..."

brink (n). "And how the caution has translated into my life, how I estimate with a huge margin for chance mishaps, thinking what could go wrong, or at the very least, how many red lights I could hit on the way. It brings me too often to say, “why bother?”, it keeps me from going all chips in."

churn (v). "It all seems to come to a boil at once...the sudden necessity for the stormy waves when all you see is glass waters."

vow (n). "I can promise few things; there is much that is unknown and much that has yet to be shaped. There is little I own or have acquired that I can bestow to you."

project (v). "I hope I was more mindful of my wild heart, and all its musings. I hope I was more available and less doubtful to the possibility that my life can be richer and more full than I could ever even consume."

contrary (adj).

b0f4c41dff9deb5fab0195b7bcdc8714Herein lies the problem: you do everything in your power to divert from all that is vulnerable or uncomfortable, uncertain or painful or sad, but all of those things are what I draw from to make art, all bloody and open and fresh, and sometimes sort of ugly. I go in close to get a better look at it, and you flee.

nerves.

photo-11The equipment is being gathered, the plans are coming together, and soon, I will leave for Spain. On Sunday, my jitters got the better of me and I had a minor meltdown while on a giant walk, religiously breaking in my shoes. All those tiny doubts that I've been shoving down and pushing away came sneaking up all at once: What if I can't actually do this? What if I'm not strong enough? What if I haven't prepared nearly enough [probable] or haven't brought the right things? What if I get horribly, horribly lost [again, quite probable]? What if I never figure out blister prevention and it's just horrible the whole way? What if they take my face wash away at the airport? What if I lose my passport? Though some of these fears are more warranted than others, they are nothing to mull over and over in my head. They could happen (I will get lost. I will blister, at some point), but they could not, and it doesn't do anything for me to give all of my brain power to being anxious. I have been trying to concentrate on what I'm excited about, even the smallest things like the fun gear I've accumulated (like my rain jacket! Is it green? Is it yellow? Who knows!) and my new inflatable pillow. I'm looking forward to the quiet and the space and the simplicity of "today this is your task and this is the journey, and the road on which you walk it." I'm looking forward to being in Spain and being close to the ocean. I'm looking forward to being on my own, and all of the challenges that go along with that, and proving to myself that I can do this. I have been trying to envision myself on the walk, on winding country roads, with a pack and a map, and I don't recognize that woman. I can't see her yet. I am looking forward to getting acquainted with this Jess, the one who can navigate her way, albeit clumsily and roundabout at times, across a long stretch of land, despite fear and doubt, despite this throbbing timidity that is having a seizure in my chest.

This is by far the craziest thing I'll have ever done so far. This may very well be the craziest thing I ever do. This is the kind of thing that I'll bring up with my kids to prove that once, before diapers and dealing with picky eaters and (God forbid) a Mom-Haircut, I walked my terrified ass across the whole width of Spain by myself with a tiny backpack and bleeding feet.

How necessary that we do what is difficult. How necessary that we show ourselves that we are much more than what we limit ourselves to.

xo.

 

radical (adj).

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My favorite thing about talking to you is that afterwards
I feel like I can be anything in the world -
I can be as tall as a mountain and cross oceans and rivers
You make me want to drastic things
and bold things
like
sell everything and go everywhere
give all my money to a stranger
become mysterious and different than I am
You make me want to make a print and leave a mark
you make me want to colour the earth and fill it with song

After talking to you it's like everything sings
and I like the world like that.

[Keegan Gibbs Photography].

Posted on January 23, 2013 and filed under the word project-.